Simple, frugal desert living at Rancho Costa Nada

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" Rancho Costa Nada: The Dirt Cheap Desert Homestead"

One of the top ten survivalist books, according to Amazon

You probably don't want to do this, but...

 

This book tells how to live cheap in the desert. It's a survival guide for living on almost nothing after quitting the job, the commute hassle, the mean boss, and all the nagging worries about rent and mortgage. It's about self-reliance, independence, and a life of freedom and leisure.

Amazon says that "Rancho Costa Nada: The Dirt Cheap Desert Homestead," has become one of the top ten survivalist books.   Originally Rancho was published by Loompanics, a catalog publisher of quirky books that went out of business and sold "Rancho" rights to Paladin Press, another alternative publisher.

Worthless acres

"Rancho Costa Nada" tells how the author bought 10 worthless acres in the California desert for three hundred bucks. For another hundred, he built a comfortable little hogan out of scrap lumber and sand bags. Some ideas he figured out for himself, such as how to be his own utility district. Other schemes for frugal desert living came from half a dozen fellow homesteaders in the barren waste of the Smoke Tree Valley in Imperial County, California.

The author is no pioneer. Just an average mope without any particular survival skills or homesteader attributes such as carpentry or auto mechanics. He was raw.  But he found out that by using a few simple expedients it's easy to live for almost nothing. No hardship. The cash he generates (and how hard is it to turn a few bucks in Samland?) becomes disposable income. So he travels during the summer inferno and uses the Rancho as home base in winter (unless he's housesitting or on the road).

What's in this peculiar book?

A description of building a tight little weather-proof hogan out of scrap lumber and sand bags. The hogan is surrounded by a wind break that forms a patio, covered by a shade ramada. Very plain, but strong enough (because of the sand bags) to withstand desert "box car winds" that can hit 80 mph.  In later years, he hauled in a junk travel trailer, gutted the inside, and made it into a living room. 

A personal utility district based on his car's alternator. You drive the darn car. Why not use it to pump up deep-cycle batteries strapped to the floorboards. A very simple method to generate enough electricity to operate lights, fans, radio, DVD, and water pump.

What about water? Drinking water has to be hauled from a public park in town, 45 miles away. Sixty gallons per week. The rest of the water comes from two sources. One of the other homesteaders, for a carton of cigarettes, will deliver up to 500 gallons of salty non-potable water from a secret well. Good enough for evap coolers, for gardening, and for a cool bath on hot days. The other source is from the wash. Homesteaders bury 55 gallon drums in the washes, which fill up during the brief flash floods.

I Get Around

Transportation. Some of homesteaders of the Smoke Tree are clever mechanics who have built fleets of Mad Max sand carts and dune buggies. Some of these vehicles are used to run the nearby gunnery range at night to salvage brass and aluminum tailfins. Trouble is, these vehicles, plus the big 4WD trucks the other homesteaders favor, slurp gas. The author has a small, gas-frugal car that he has equipped with winches and come-alongs that pop him out of the sand when he gets stuck in a wash.

Don't you need a refrigerator? The author gets along without one. No problem, and he explains why. Other homesteaders use propane fridges, but that's another expense. So is ice. He finds that he can get along for a week (the time between visits to the supermarket in town) without the expense of refrigeration. Let Albertsons pay for it. All the cooking is done on the two burners of a simple camp stove.

Sex?

It's like the water.  You go to town for it.

It Takes a Certain Type

The book also examines the lives of the half dozen other homesteaders in the Smoke Tree, mostly living in trailer compounds. Some are reclusive and don't wish society. Others are prickly, and easily riled, with packs of semi-feral dogs spotted round the laager on breakaway leashes. Others are frankly eccentric. But all of the inhabitants have figured out ingenious ways to cope with a harsh enviornment.

(Author's Note)  Here's an update. In the last few years a few things have changed. Now there's the travel trailer at the rancho, a gift from my brother-in-law, hauled out to my property over the 17 miles of washboard by J.R for the consideration of a tank of gas and a hamburger. Frankly, the trailer is much better than the hogan. It's off the ground, and easier to mouse-proof. The trailer has almost no amenities. The bilge pump I used for a home-made fountain got clogged with salt from the well water. All the cheapo 12-volt fans from SlaveMart crapped out, as did the ancient VCR. It's better this way. Now, the only electricity I use in the trailer powers the bedside reading lamp, the power source for which is one motorcycle battery and a small solar panel. The other illumination inside comes from a couple of beeswax candles (allegedly, less sooty). I have a flashlight for close work tracking stuff down at night.

I do still have a computer from an earlier eon that I power off a marine battery in my car. The extra battery's charged off the alternator. I take the thumb drive from this computer to the library and fold it into my Yahoo account. I use the JC, the library, and the internet cafe for travel through the ether. I don't worry much about heat or cooling at the rancho, since when the weather gets too hot or cold I go someplace else. This last winter, I free-loaded with friends on the Big Island, and then went on a car camping safari down Baja, tenting on the beach. For a summer month, while the rancho is solarizing, I replenish the kitty by working the odd job.

Then the Boat Option

A few years ago I bought a 20-foot sailboat for $300 at auction. I keep the boat at a low-cost berth in the Sacramento Delta. No motor, but happily the rivers in the Delta are tidal, so the boat moves (slowly) even if the wind isn't cooperating. This pocket cruiser is pretty much set up as a floating tent with an anchor.  Then, galvanized by the economic downturn, I got a second sailboat.  Had to!  People are giving them away.  This one is berthed at an older marina on San Francisco Bay that offers a comfortable rental rate.  The second boat is 27 feet, has standing headroom, and is comfortable enough for longer voyages.

An Interlude

 

We detour from the Rancho for a minute to talk about another little book, Tenting Today, the story of two recent college grads who opt for living in a tent in a public campground.  This is not a  how-to, although there is practical advice for anyone contemplating a year-around tent home.  It's more of an amusement.  The dribble of interest in this small  book already has produced a few communications, few enough that I can share them all.  I'll call them, Praise for Tenting Today:

 

Mild Collegial Boy

 

 

"I don't know how to categorize this.  The author, rather preciously, calls it "sedition lite." on the grounds that the recent graduate won't find a job and isn't willing to be of any use.  I'm not sure if there's an actionable case for Homeland Security here.  Will the State tremble to learn a self-described 'mild collegial boy' has dropped out of the market driven culture and is living anonymously and invisibly with a neurotic girlfriend in a public campground?  The 'values' of acquisition, ambition, fealty to authority, have been targets for the dudgeon of moralists and the lampooning of satirists since at least Biblical times.  Admittedly, the twenty something anti-hero may not appreciate that he isn't the first to recoil at the expectations society crowds on the young.  He makes more sense when he says (as he's angling for a remittance from the 'puzzled dad')  that as a tent nomad he won't be roiling the dust or making a smudge.  But to voluntarily absent oneself from the strife and resource depletion of commerce doesn't make one subversive."

 

Emory Juke

Scottsdale, AZ

via e-mail   

 

Hark, Hark

 

"I thought Rachael was boring.  All that about her vaginal fluids, and not being able to go into Wal-Mart, and her tedious harping about veganism.  Typical princess on a lark.  Huge sense of entitlement based on nothing.  An elitist who turns up her nose at a poor neighborhood, but lives in a cheap tent."

  

Rod Cleaves

Bakersfield, CA

via e-mail

 

Cup Runneth Over

 

"The graphic depiction of Rachael's wetness is way too much, although I get the point.  She drips everywhere during sex, including tears and nasal discharge.  Okay, okay.  She is ripe, she is juicy.  I get it.  That, and her appetite for sex, her preoccupation with food, and her voracious reading of empty calorie junk novels, all combine to explain her fate.  Even though she says she can't stand the smell of prey animals, she ultimately becomes one.  As her hip sister says, "Life wants everybody," and Rachel is too plump a morsel to escape the predators."

 

Emily Foote

Berkeley, CA

 

Deadend Dad

 

"A very intriguing close.  Why should anybody be afraid of this nobody?  At first I thought, just a dad worried about a son gone wrong.  But it's more likely that the dad's fears are for himself. Earlier he does the drunken riff about the word nigger, which I thought to be in very bad taste, in which he suggests the word be blanched of color and used as a punchy universal symbol of low and servile status regardless of race.  Factory nigger.  Office nigger.  But that would make him a nigger, along with everybody else in a degrading dead-end job.  He snaps his fingers behind the boss's back, but then does what he's told, just like every other working stiff.  His son has escaped, at a big price.  But he is too old and frightened to follow."

 

Perry Evervold

via e-mail

 

Cut!

 

"This needs to be edited down by about a third."

 

Todd Botts

Los Angeles, CA

 

On the Money

 

"Not a bad picture of a passive-aggressive.  His dad has it right on the diagnosis.  Slacker Boy may romanticize and rationalize, but his is a clinical case of resistance to authority by the weak.  One clue is the repetitious focus on his shibboleths, another is the tension between his obvious craving for recognition and his avoidance and sabotage of the authority figures who could provide it."

 

Claudio Marraquin

Chicago, IL

via e-mail

 

"The hobo's campfire story about the fat cruise is too cruel to be funny.  The handicapped, the aged, the insane, and the clinically obese should be outside the pale of this kind of mean-spirited mockery."

 

Name withheld 

 

 

End of Detour 

 

The opening chapter of Tenting Today is on one of the buttons above. 

Editor's note: Chuckwalla Days Parade, on Amazon's Kindle, is a cleaner version of Blythe Parade. Not less scatological, but having fewer spelling mistakes. Bad grammar is on purpose.

 

 

"Chuckwalla Days Parade," the prequel to the Rancho book, comes out of the author's editorship of the tiny desert weekly, the Chuckwalla Reveille, "Voice of the Tri-Desert Empire," and the publication of record for the town of Chuckwalla, "Gateway to the Sonoran, Mojave, and Colorado deserts.  In a word, the author takes the reins of the weekly after being frog-walked out of the editorial office of a major Los Angeles daily.  Too demoralized to do much himself, he fills the 16 broadsheet pages with an electic mix of columnists sharked up from among the locals.

 

 A few excerpts from the Reveille:

 (A regular feature is Poet's Corner, which often featured local high school English teacher Orin Wimbly, before he was fired for shocking students with a homemade electric chair.)

 

Something Must Be Done!

My contribution today is a riff on Abou Ben Adamh

 About Ben Smedlap

by Orin Wimbley

"Leigh Hunt is dust; he doesn't care

And apologies from me are rare..."

 

 Smedlap lives in Suburbia and has a nine-to-five in an office Downtown. 

He has the usual wife, who also works, and standard children in school. 

The combined Smedlap salaries suffice for an average American life.  

 

In their driveway at night sit two cars, a six cylinder and a four-cylinder. 

In the Smedlap kitchen and bathroom, the usual appliances. 

The house has cable and WiFi.  Smedlap pays all bills promptly. 

Everything is normal.

 

One night an angel whispers to Benjaman Smedlap in his sleep.

 "Smedlap.  Save the world!"

 

Upon arising, Smedlap tells his wife, "I'm riding my bicycle to work." 

"It's raining," says Mrs. Smedlap, "and you don't have a bicycle."

Putting on his raincoat, Smedlap trudges to the bus stop.

He arrives in time to watch the departure of the Downtown Express. 

He waits patiently in the rain with a dozen raucous teens for the next local, then spends 40 minutes standing amidst a press of juvenile hyperactivity while the bus crawls through morning traffic. 

His usual commute is fifteen minutes.

 

At the office Smedlap usually has a doughnut and coffee. 

From the logo on the lid of the pink box, Smedlap knows the doughnuts are produced by a corporation that replaces native forests in Indonesia with palm oil plantations. 

The coffee isn't sustainably grown.  The cart only has Styrofoam cups. 

Smedlap empties the pencils from his "World's Best Dad" cup and fills it with tap water. 

 His work is to calculate costs for the construction of a factory to be sited near the county watershed. 

Smedlap sits quietly at his desk with hands folded until lunchtime. 

A colleague stops at the door. 

"Hey Ben.  Wanna go down to the caf for a burger?" 

Smedlap shakes his head.  Beef production causes deforestation and methane buildup. 

Raising animal protein is water intensive and inefficient.

 

The walk home after work takes an hour, and crosses some bad neighborhoods, but he finds two bicycles at a yard sale. 

In his driveway, after rolling the bikes into his garage, he disables the ignition block on his wife's car.

 

His children rush to greet him at the door. 

"Daddy!  The TV isn't working, and we can't get on the Web." 

His wife says he better check the circuit breakers right away. The lights are off and the pilot is out. 

Smedlap explains that he made some calls earlier in the afternoon. 

He also reneges on his promise to reward good report cards with xBoxes and iPads. 

He says the family's cell phone contract won't be renewed.  

The long planned vacation to Hawaii is canceled. 

 

Later in the evening he gets a call from his father-in-law. 

"My daughter says you've gone nuts.

Do you want me to set up an appointment with somebody?"

 

On the ride to work next morning Smedlap gets his pant cuff caught in the chain, and his coat has a stripe of mud thrown up from the rear tire. 

At the office his supervisor calls him in.  "Anything wrong, Ben?" 

Smedlap says he can't take part in projects that increase carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. 

That afternoon Smedlap is called in again and fired.

 

 On the ride home a passing truck splashes him. 

A dog chases him for two blocks. 

On the kitchen table is a note from his wife saying she's taken the children to her parents, and that she hopes he gets the help he needs. 

The house is cold and dark.

 

That night he hears a soft voice in his sleep. 

"Ben Smedlap.  Your name leads all the rest."

 

 (Part-time reporter Cheryl James, 17, Chuckwalla High senior and Honor Society member, volunteered as an intern to qualify for a Rotarian scholarship.

 

Chuckwalla Reveille Update

City May Get Full Time Repo Man.

 

A press release from GM Auto Finance says the company is considering stationing a full time agent in either Chuckwalla or Blythe to repossess cars whose owners are delinquent on payments.  According to the release:

 Mecca for deadbeats

"The Imperial County Tri-Desert area has become a Mecca for borrowers who have fallen behind on their car payments.  The area is so remote, so vast, and so lightly patrolled by law enforcement that car repossession is difficult to accomplish by agents operating out of Los Angeles."

 

Chuckwalla police lieutenant Abel Dick says his department receives frequent requests from GM and other auto loan companies for assistance in repossessing cars.  "We don't have time or resources to repo cars," Dick said.  "And we can't help them find the cars either."

 

Loans securitized

Jack Spalding, an economics professor at UC Riverside and expert on insurance delinquencies, says that nationally the number of borrowers in default on car loans has gone up after the loan companies began packaging and selling the loans as securities for investors.  "Historically, defaults on car loans didn't happen much.  It's the old saying, 'You can sleep in your car but you can't drive your house to work.'  People will keep up car payments even if they have to blow off the mortgage."

 

Spalding said the low default rate encouraged loan companies to bundle and securitize the loans.  At the same time, Spalding said, the companies often charge usurious interest rates ranging from 15 to 25 percent.  "So now the borrower is paying 23 percent interest on a 10,000 loan to some bank of trust he's never heard of."

Cody Adams, the obstreperous landowner whose long-running feud with the BLM has landed him in court numerous times, told the Reveille that he allows some Los Angeles car  owners to park their vehicles on a portion of his property that abuts BLM wilderness area.  "I don't know," Adams says, "but I'm assuming some of these folks may be behind on their payments and stash some secondary vehicles like pickups and RVs out here to avoid the repo man."  Adams says some of the vehicles are on blocks with the tires locked in the trunk.

Scouts a deterrent

Adams said that to repossess a car on his property the repo man would have to drive a flatbed truck over 20 miles of dirt road.  "And he'd have to deal with the scouts."

Chuckwalla Boy Scout Troop 354, as a civic project, has set up armed checkpoints on unimproved roads in the vicinity to control drug dealing and vandalism.

As a sideline, Adams makes and sells tire boots that car owners can install themselves.  "Put one fore and aft, and a tow truck ain't much help," Adams said.

Buddy “Buster” Tubbs, a regular at the Brouhaha Brew Pub and a sometimes resident at Castaways Community House, said he has a pair of homemade tire boots for his pickup.  "I use 'em when I'm in town as a precaution," Tubbs said. 

The Borrows

"But even if they do put a repo man out here I don't think he'll ever get my truck out at the Borrows.  I got my truck used in LA three years ago.  GM Finance gave me a loan even though I had no job, no bank account, and no permanent residence.  So I figure, they just want to bundle my loan with some other crap and push it on a hedge fund.   The interest rate was high but I never planned on making the payments.  As far as I'm concerned, they just wanted to give me a free truck so as to create some paper."

The Borrows, sometimes called “the Pits,” is an informal community of the homeless made up of sleeping modules buried in the borrow pits at the old Stetson Quarry. 

 

 

Around Chuckwalla

Scout Cleared in Meth Lab Shootout

 Chuckwalla city councilman and Troop 354 scout leader Henry Pipps has been cleared of murder charges by the Riverside superior court for his involvement in a shootout that left two dead at a meth lab inside a remote desert trailer.

Pipps, 18, no stranger to firearms, had been charged with second degree murder in the deaths of Marcus Levy, 30 and Hernando Pena-Suarez, 22, after shooting erupted at a trailer hidden within the Scorpion Mountain Wilderness Area.  According to court documents, Pipps had entered what appeared to be an illegally abandoned trailer and encountered Levy and Pena-Suarez preparing a batch of methamphetamines.

Insufficient evidence

In a statement released to the press, Superior court judge Abigale Tweed dismissed all charges.  "The state lacks sufficient evidence at this time to support the claim that Pipps knew in advance that the victims were inside the trailer, or that he entered the trailer with his gun drawn in advance of the encounter."

The prosecution had claimed that Pipps and other scouts from Troop 354 previously had stopped Levy and Pena-Suarez at a scout checkpoint, and had become cognizant at that time of the whereabouts of the trailer and of the meth kitchen inside.  "It was not an accidental encounter," according to assistant district attorney Brian Simmons.

As a civic improvement project, Troop 354 last month began setting up checkpoints on some of the more frequented back roads around Chuckwalla to discourage drug making and vandalism.

Mayor Robert Crain has lauded the scouts for their efforts to curb the meth epidemic, while critics, such as animal welfare activist Hedy Lumen, have described the troop as "Brown Shirt vigilante thugs."

In the last council election, Pipps won an upset write-in victory over Lumen after the troop's successful effort to round up the stray dogs that had terrorized the bike path. 

Pipps kills fugative

Last summer, in an incident that made national headlines, Pipps shot and killed former Chuckwalla parade marshal and erstwhile Marine Lester Evans while Evans was attempting to escape a police dragnet.  A decorated veteran who completed three tours in Iraq, Evans had been sought in the shooting ambush that killed Kmart supervisor Walton Deaver. 

 Pipps and other scouts from 354 helped Chuckwalla police track Evans to a narrow slot canyon.  The police officers not being able to enter, the slender Pipps squeezed into the narrow defile and killed the fugitive in a brief exchange of gunfire.

Regarding the latest charges, "I had no doubt I wouldn’t be prosecuted," Pipps said.  "Not after five seasons of 'Breaking Bad.'"

 

Council Notes

Human Waste Issue Before Council

City agencies were at odds at the Wednesday night city council meeting over the discovery of human waste in the garbage can at the east end of the Chuckwalla bike path.

 Acting on a tip, assistant city manager Clyde Benson collected feces samples from the garbage can and sent them to the Riverside Health Department for analysis.  "Most of the samples were from dogs," Benson said, "But several definitely were human waste."  Benson said a city ordinance prohibits dumping human waste in trash receptacles.   "It's a public health issue," Benson said.

Police lieutenant Abel Dick said he was pretty sure any human waste in the trash can was coming from the floating homeless encampment hidden along Chollo Arroyo next to the bike path.  "I'm surprised because usually the people down there don't bother picking it up." 

Squatters encamped in the ravine have been rousted numerous times by police, but eventually return.  "It's a continuing problem," Dick said, adding that it was unlikely his officers would have time to police city trash cans for human waste violations.

Questioned by mayor Robert Crane, assistant public works director Emilio Gonzalez said the contents of the bike path garbage cans go to the landfill in the same way as all collected garbage.  "We know that a particular receptacle is used by dog owners," Gonzales said.  "We don't have a separate place to put excrement.  It goes in with everything else."

Stakeout

(Editor's note: Reveille part time reporter Cheryl James, a high school senior who in January won county plaudits for her expose of abuses at the dog pound, spent a morning staking out the bike path trash container.)

At around 8:15 Monday morning an elderly man pushing a bicycle stopped at the trash receptacle and dropped in a plastic bag.  After determining that the bag contained waste, I caught up with him as he was about to descend a trail into the ravine.  He admitted that the paper bag contained fecal matter from his own bowel movement that morning.   He said every one of the half dozen homeless persons in the ravine now deposited their "sh**" in the trash container. 

"When the Boy Scouts were rounding up the wild dogs, they told us they didn't want us sh**ing on the ground," he said.  "Old Diesel Dave says, 'Who the f*** are you to tell us what to do?”  The scouts beat the cr** out of him."

The man, who declined to give his real name but who uses the handle Night Train, said the waste is deposited on newspapers, bundled, and then tied in a plastic bag.  "That's the way the scouts want it," he said.

Councilman Henry Pipps, the Troop 354 scoutmaster who headed the roundup of the bike path feral dogs, said he could recall no interaction with homeless persons in the arroyo.

 

The James Report

The Low down on Market Gardens

(Ediot's note:  Chuckwalla Reveille part time reporter Cheryl James, 17, a senior at Chuckwalla High, received a runner up award at the Riverside County High School Journalism Awards Banquet for her school project exposing the financing scandal surrounding the Market Gardens low income housing project adjacent to the Speedway off ramp. The Reveille is excerpting portions of her report:)

 I interviewed City Manager Adam Jacobs.  He said the Market Gardens had been built on city land originally set aside for a Walmart.  Walmart officials however declined to build a store-, citing economic indicators including the fact that half of the city’s official population is incarcerated in Chuckwalla State Prison.

The city then arranged to get state financing to build low income housing on the site.  "Most of my job is to go around with a begging bowl," Jacobs said.  "Property taxes cover about a third of the city budget," he said. "The rest has to come from other pots of money.”

He said an opportunity arose to get a state grant for matching funds for low income housing.  It required passing a bond issue that was supposed to cover Market Gardens and the refurbishing of the high school gym.  For various reasons the gym was never upgraded but bids were let for the 100 unit project. 

Wanka Tank Associates from the Lumbee reservation, a minority contractor, built out the units.  According to Jacobs, the units filled quickly with family and relatives of prisoners incarcerated at Chuckwalla State Prison.

County records show that the bonds for the project were issued by Commerce Bank of the Desert.  Two months after the public offering, bank officers tranched the bonds and other paper into a security, which was purchased by the late Jared Busk, at that time CEO of The Prosperity Train of Sometimes Spring.  Busk used the security as collateral for a loan from Deseret Development, a hedge fund, allegedly to finance Sometimes Spring Retirement Villa.  Deseret Development sold the securitized bonds to the now defunct Besatecula Adios consortium of Ensenada, Mexico. 

Riverside assistant district attorney Everett Dix said that the county was still trying to unravel the complex chain of events although, "the bottom line is that the bonds have suffered a decline in value.". 

Dix said Market Garden management, because of ongoing problems in collecting rents, has been unable to make payments on the bonds.  Jared Busk apparently used his loan to further a Ponzi scheme involving a retirement complex in Sometimes Spring that never materialized.  The Busk estate is now is mired in litigation. 

Mexican authorities have been unable to assist in locating the principles of the company that took over the securitized bonds.  Dix said, however, that the company appears to be part of a scheme set up to sell investments to American expatriate retirees.  "It is fair to say that both the state and the bondholders will be taking a major loss on Market Gardens," Dix said.

City manager Jacobs said the tangle of obligations may have the effect of temporarily keeping the city out of receivership.  "This is so toxic the state is afraid to touch it," Jacobs said.

(editor’s note:  thank you, Cheryl.  Cheryl will continue her reporting on Market Gardens as events develop.)

 

"Lone Wolf" Terrorist Strikes Again

“Weapon-ized Insects” Plague City

Local lone wolf eco- terrorist Andy Padilla has struck again in Chuckwalla, this time infecting the upscale wine bar inside Uncle Elmo's Antiques and Gaucheree with Africanized honey bees.  The owner of the wine bar, Elmo Dentine, said three patrons were halfway through their flights when a swarm of angry bees filled the room.  The out-of-town visitors, whose names weren't available, and wine steward Amy Dentine, were treated for multiple stings at the Chinese gas plant clinic and released. 

 Padilla, who has struck repeatedly in Chuckwalla over the last two years, said in a Twitter message that the attack was in response to management tactics at the Purple Majesty vineyard east of the city.  "The vineyard has been using hydraulic fracturing to force up water from our depleted aquifer to grow water intensive varietals," Padilla said in his communique to the Reveille.

The spokesperson for the vineyard did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

Hidden weapons lab

Padilla, who allegedly operates from a weapons lab hidden deep in the Scorpion Mountains, has caused concern among health officials because of his use of insects and germs in his ongoing assault on targets he considers detrimental to the environment.

"He uses biological terror," said Chuckwalla police lieutenant Abel Dick.  "These bees are as bad as the mosquitos."

In a recent attack against the Chuckwalla Speedway, Padilla released thousands of blood hungry Aedes squaminger mosquitos into the parking lot just as crowds were leaving Sunday's popular Destruction Derby.  According to Dick, a police investigation has determined that Padilla is culturing the mosquitos, bees, scorpions and yellow jackets at his weapons lab.  "He sneaks the insects into town and turns them loose," Dick said.  "He has ruined several weddings and funerals."

Flu kayos Rotarians

Padilla also has claimed responsibility for the local outbreak of H2N1 flu last fall.  In a press release following the uptick of flu cases, Padilla said that on the afternoon before the Rotary Club Fundraising Dance he had painted all the doorknobs in the Veterans Hall with a solution made up of mucus and secretions taken from a flu patient at Pele Verde Memorial Hospital.

Dick said the police investigation pointed to a lab somewhere in the rugged heart of the Scorpion Wilderness Area.  "It is difficult terrain that isn't negotiable by any kind of motorized vehicles," Dick said.  "Even the BLM rangers can't get back there.  We are hoping that Troop 354’s tracking unit may be able to help us out, although the scouts are stretched thin right now."

Boy Scout Troop 354 has been setting up checkpoints on desert roads around the city in an effort to curtail drug trafficking and vandalism.

Editor's note:  Chuckwalla Reveille part time reporter Cheryl James, who has been selected for an internship next year at the Riverside Enterprise-Journal, collected some dead insects from the floor of Uncle Elmo’s wine bar.  Her report:)

I called David Glasshower, an entomologist at UC Riverside, and described the insects.  “They don’t really sound like Africanized Honey Bees,” Glasshower said, “From your description I’d say they were common yellow jackets vespens vespens.  They could be induced into an attack frenzy only if the perpetrator brought the nest, with the queen inside, to the wine bar.”

Dr. Juan Cienfuegos, the leased Cuban emergency room physician at the Chinese Gas Plant clinic, said the three wine bar patrons were treated for multiple stings and released.”  “No allergic reactions,” he said

Pele Verde Memorial Hospital did not release a condition report on wine steward Amy Dentine.

 (Editor's note:  At the hiring interview, the owner said he didn't want news.  "Focus on pioneer history, prep sports, and grandmother's completing a life of service.")

Chuckwalla History

Background on “The Borrows.”

“The Borrows,” sometimes called “the Pits,” refers to a complex of sleeping dugouts near Quartz Hill above the old Stetson Quarry on BLM desert land south of the city.  These are dozens of holes that look a lot like quarry borrow pits but actually are excavations dug by miners in the early 20th century searching for the continuation of a quartz ledge that runs into the hill.

 Some of the homeless population have built eight by eight watertight boxes, four feet high, and dropped them into those holes that have sufficient room.  The boxes are leveled and covered over with dirt.  Access is through scuttles on top.  Each has ventilation pipes and a sunroof tarp used when the occupant is in residence.   The dugout provides a insulated all weather sleeping chamber.  Some are furnished with a mattress but many of the owners bring backpacking sleeping pads.

A fire pit in a tamarisk grove makes a communal gathering spot. 

Symbiotic relationship

The Borrows dugouts are on BLM land, but so far the rangers have made no effort to remove the squatters.  Chuckwalla police lieutenant says there's a symbiotic relationship.  "The rangers know about the dugouts, and that people are living there part time, but the homeless inhabitants have made the rangers' job easier.” 

Dick said that the homeless inhabitants generally are “high class winos” who don't tolerate any litter or mess and are respectful of the desert ecology.  “They also don't tolerate criminals setting up meth kitchens, or vandalism of archeological sites, or off-roaders cutting new trails,” Dick said 

"There used to be a lot of cooking out there but the Borrows people and the Boy Scouts have burned them out,” Dick said.  He said out-of-town off roaders were tearing up the desert and running over the tortoise until the scouts put out checkpoints, and the Borrows people started patrolling. 

“The rangers don't have the manpower to patrol the backcountry,” Dick said.   “The volunteer wilderness rangers are well meaning but unarmed.  The Borrowers carry the kind of persuasion that puts a stop to the hot rodding.

“I’m just glad it’s not my jurisdiction.” 

 

 Sometimes Spring High School

Discrimination Suit Settled

Lawyers for two transgender students say Sometimes Spring high school officials under court order have lifted the ban on transgender use of the gym's showers.

In September two freshmen students transitioning from a male to female orientation petitioned the school for permission to use the girls' changing rooms and showers in the gym.  Initially, principal Harold Dellums denied the request, citing parent protests and student concerns.  "I am one hundred percent sympathetic, but this is novel, and I don't think the school is ready for it," Dellums said.

Full gender transition

But last week the Imperial County superior court ruled that it was illegal to bar any student from facilities available to all.  During two days of hearings before Judge Nancy Delaney, physicians for the pair testified that both had made a full gender transition and could no longer be considered males, either psychologically or physically.

"The expert testimony here is that these students are now female, and must be treated as such by the high school ,"Delaney said.

PE teacher Mary Vale said she doubted the ruling would cause any disturbance.  "There's been time now to get used to this," she said.  "These are both popular kids and good athletes and everybody supports them.  Only a few parents had concerns." 

But Vale, who coaches Lady Springtails basketball, said the ruling could have an effect on the sports program.  "Constance is six-one, and Emily is six-three."

.

  (Editor's note:  The affecting details of how the editor fell from high status as a star feature writer for a major daily to his current lowly post are in "Chuckwalla Days Parade," at Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Rancho-Costa-Nada-Desert-Homestead/dp/1559502363

 

How can I get this book?

The book was published by the defunct and lamented Loompanics, then was carried for awhile by Paladin Press.  I had a box of author's copies, and sold 'em off.  But a copy of Rancho can be found in the aether, by googling Smashwords Garlington.  Or, if you have an e-reader, you can get a copy for your Kindle, Nook, Sony, iPad or any of the other platforms.  Heck, I'll send you a copy for free:  >philgarlington@yahoo.com<

But first see if you like it.  I've posted some excerpts on pages above.  Maybe the excerpts are all you need.  The book is amusing but the message butt simple.  You're probably not going to want to do this, buy worthless dirt for almost nothing and put up a shack or a trailer.  But you could.  It doesn't take a bank account or homesteader skills.  And there's no hardship, except it's boring for most people to live alone in the desert.

The e-reader version doesn't have illustrations, but a lot of them are on this site in the photo sections.

 What about copies of Tenting Today? 

There's been a trickle of interest. I don't expect more because the book is seditious.  Sedition lite.  Anti-values.  The slacker protagonist won't work.  He's not a criminal parasite on the state, collecting a handout, but rather a parasite on his long-suffering dad.  Slacker Boy hasn't lined up with the Sapitariat, despite being a Samlander and born to be servile.  He won't accept a seat at the bench, salute the logo, boost the economy, or lend a helping hand to make a better world.  He is not glad to be of use.  Instead, he lets his blood wash in a campground with his haughty vegan girlfriend.  I've put up a sample chapter.

I've been sending comp e-copies to the curious handful.   Why not, it's not paper and ink, it's just a puff of air.   But my sister, the CPA, suggested that I put it up on the e-reader platforms.  You can see it on Smashwords, or on Kindle, Nook, Sony, or any of those.  I charge a couple of bucks, but if that's too rich I'll send a free copy to an e-mail address.  I don't need money.  By intention, I keep my income at a certain level.  I'm less choleric if I don't have to pay much in federal taxes. 

I'll send a copy if you go to philgarlington@yahoo.com.  The book's funny.  But I admit the premise doesn't sound promising.  The lives of two recent college grads who live in a tent in a public campground.  They won't work, because that would involve subordination.  As well as  put constraints on their leisure.  The anonymous author and his girlfriend have taken a vow of failure, by Samland standards.  Nothing about the cubicle, or the last, or the seat by the oarlock, appeals to them.  Given the peppy, go-getting, ambitious culture, very much like disloyalty to national values.   

Chuckwalla Days Parade, the Book

Also called Chuckwalla Days on Kindle.  Chuckwalla Days Parade is a later version with fewer spelling and punctuation errors.  I couldn't figure out how to revise the earlier Kindle version.

Anyway, another slight book, available on the same terms as above.  This is sort of the prequel to Rancho Costa Nada, in that it visits the narrator's editorship of the Chuckwalla weekly before he's fired for insubordination.  Very little reaction so far, but I'll deal out what there is.  I'll call it Praise for Chuckwalla Days Parade:

"It takes the bile of a hack to have made a thing so universally offensive."

Craig Whittens

via e-mail

Jesus, Phil.  Only a handful of elderly newspaper reporters are going to get this, to their shame."

Jon DeLaps

via e-mail

"Scurrilous, bigoted, insenstive, intemperate,  contemptuous  and coarse.  Pretty funny, though."

Name withheld

via e-mail

 

The Sergeants are Revolting

"Noir and nihilistic"

Also on Smashwords and the e-reader platforms is Revolt of the Sergeants.  It's not your taste.  Violent and misanthropic.  There's not much to like about the characters.  The stance is nihilistic.  A handful of retired lifer Army noncoms annex a basketcase province of Sudan to test managment ideas for subduing chaotic societies.  They are not mercenaries, because Darfur is a running sore of misery without trove or resource. Nor are they missionaries.  Their methods are harsh.  This strange enterprise can't succeed, but it works for awhile.  This is not for the squeamish.  Anybody who wants to try this can do so on the terms described above.  There's a sample on this site somewhere.

Going Pizza

After being fired by the corporate wights, I had to figure out revenue flow.  I means tested myself, and flunked.  One deal that kind of worked for awhile was the Hollywood option.  I wrote some spec screenplays.  Some got optioned, and while they never made the screen, I got a check.  Going Pizza is one of the spec plays that didn't get optioned, but I think it has comedic merit.  I've tacked it on to the About page until I get around to reworking it.

The long City Haul road.

City Haul is froth and spume that's been optioned twice, first by MGM, then by some mopes at ICM.  It's been the money maker because of some obvious cinematic potential.  The late Dick Shepherd, a producer at MGM, was ready to shoot, until the studio told him he had to choose between Haul and his other project, a David Bowie vampire vehicle.  Alas for me, but at least the Bowie thing was a flop.  Not the Shepherd's choice was any blow to culture.  Haul has the depth of a dinner plate.  It's just amusing froth.  In a word, a feckless, womanizing politican, abandoned at election time by his moneybags father-in-law, robs the city hall payroll with the help of his teenage aide, to finance a campaign that otherwise is hopeless.  I've put in on the e-reader platforms.

Various other topics:

 Ouch, No House

If you're in foreclosure and don't know what the heck you're going to do, perhaps you'd like to visit Beet, at one of the tabs above.

My old pal Beatrice Baily, who lives in her tent the year through (shifting from Colorado to Arizona with the season) has a page of tips that might help the newly roof-less.  Beet enjoys tent life (I like it too, and stay under canvas much of the summer) and her carefree life might inspirit the perspective of trembling prey animal facing foreclosure.  Maybe you really don't need a house.  Beet doesn't.  On this page, a picture of the triple canopy all-season (if you live in California) tent home.

Walker on Tents

 I was in New York to check out the Peasants' Revolt. After inspecting the Occupy tent camp I called Tom Walker, another year around tent dweller, to get his undoubtedly jaundiced view.

"Amateurs," he said.  Walker and his wife Walks With Tom are among a handful of Humboldt County residents who live in tents full time.  I thought he might have some tips for the occupiers.

It turned out his wife won't let him go to any of the Occupy venues in person.  She says he's too excitable, and always thinks THIS is the protest that's going to crush the system and drive the exploiters to the wall.  He shouts slogans all day, waves the black flag, marches for miles, argues with the police.  Then he sits down in a public building, or breaks a few windows, and gets arrested.  Afterwards in sinks into a deep funk for a month, and Walks WithTom has to manage his meds.  She wouldn't let him go to Occupy, but he'd seen the tent encampment on tv.

"I should do a seminar," Walker said.  "They're clueless."

I'll summarize the Walker method of spending four comfortable seasons in a fabric house.  I use his idea myself, and can testify it works.  First, he doesn't like the refugee camp tent provided by the UN for Somalia and Kosovo.  It's made of single wall canvas and leaks.  The tent housing for guests in Yosemite Valley is a little better (if you don't contract hantavirus), because of a second roof stretched across the top.  Best, he says, is the triple canopy Chinese Box tent, a Walker innovation.

The trouble with tents in blustery wet weather is that no matter how careful one is about sealing the seams the tent will still leak in drenching rain.  It won't hold heat very well.  It's buffetted by the wind.  And then there's the condensation inside.  The answer is three tents of diminishing size, each inside the other.  Walker's own compound in Humboldt (he grows, so I can't say where) is an elaborate interlocking Christo-like running fence of tarp ramadas and canvas windbreaks.  But he started years ago with an austere Chinese box.

A sturdy ten-by-ten Sears tent is the main ingredient.  Inside that is a freestanding three-person backpacking tent that serves at the bedroom.  "It's an idea I got from the Inuit," he says.  "They put an igloo inside an ice cave." 

Over the Sears tent is one of those 12 by 12 canopies that are favorites at flea markets and street fairs.  And pinned around the canopy are heavy tarps as windbreaks."The layers provide insulation and prevent condensaton," Walker says.  In winter storms he uses a small catalytic heater, which means that the tents have to be well ventilated.  But Walker claims that for most of the winter he and Walks With Tom are comfortable inside with candles and sweaters.  He says that after a few years of full time tenting, the human thermostat resets and 55 becomes the new 70.  "I can't stand being in an overheated house," Walker says.

Now, Walker says, they usually sleep on a king sized bed under a huge black tarp.  It's rigged like a Bedouin tent with side panels that drop down for privacy or to block wind or sun.  They only use the Chinese Box  tent for storms or spells of frost.  "It's California, for Christ's sake," Walker says.  "Club Med." 

In summer, the black awning casts a deep pool of shade, while the open sides let in the breeze.  "It's all we need except when a cold front blows through."
 

Other Walker tips:
A good mattress.  It's  not sleeping in a tent that's so bad; it's the hard ground.  A full length camp mattress on a cot is okay but better is a standard twin on a metal frame.  "A regular bed inside a tent," Walker says, "like at the dude ranch."

Warm bedding.  For those without allergies, that would be a goose down sleeping bag inside a Gore-Tex bivy.   Wool socks and a hot water bottle for the feet.  "Sometimes in the morning I use the heater to warm up the feet before I put on my boots," Walker says.  "Cold feet are a bummer."

I could hear Walks With Tom in the background telling him to get off the phone 

"And they should all wear loin clothes," Walker said quickly "Then they won't have to take off their pants when they change their underwear.  Sorry, pal.  I have to go."

The loin cloth idea isn't that crazy.  It's useful for budget travel, when one bathes in the public john. 

 

 

Regular Chuckwalla Reveille columnist Beet Bailey on the all-seasons tent:

 

Triple canopy all season 100 square-foot tent house.

 

Inexpensive shelter, that's good enough for the four seasons in temperate California.  It's a square 10x10 tent inside a quick shade awning like the ones at the flea market.  The sides of the awning can be enclosed by tarps in times of wind and wet.  For cold weather, a smaller free standing tent goes inside the bigger tent to make a bedroom, an idea borrowed from the Inuit Indians, who build igloos inside ice caves.

During the year I'm a campground host in Northern California in summer and at the Wiley Wells long-term campground near Blythe in Southern California for the winter.  Sometimes during the shoulder seasons, I housesit..  Lately, because of the downtick, vacant houses everywhere, with the owners worried about vandalism.  I usually set up a tent, either inside the house, or the four-season version in the backyard.  When house sitting I can use an electric heater if needed; otherwise, propane Mr. Heater.  

Beet

 

 

 

Le Petit Canard

This is the name of the Cal-20 I got at the Boy Scout auction for $300.  It was built in 1973, has a full set of sails, but no motor.  It's berthed in the Sacramento Delta near Stockton.  Usually, I sail under the main alone, all I need in the frequently brisk winds.  In light airs, I raise a headsail that's self-tending, since working against the weather on the Delta rivers means a lot of short boards.  Both the Sacramento and San Joaquin rivers are tidal, of course, so a little patience and a willingness to move at night can place you in a current going your way.  Or, in my case, I generally just go whichever way the current happens to be flowing.  I usually use the boat during the Indian Summer months, perfect weather in the Delta.